Passion, kindness, spirit, authenticity, wholeness. These are words that come to mind when I think of Carrianne M. She possesses a sweetness that will lift your heart with its aroma—the essence, as light as a feather. It is this levity that instills even greater meaning to the weight of the world she’s carried, and part of the reason she is exactly who she is. Grace, a connection with God, spirit, a higher power, whatever you want to call it—it’s been prevalent throughout Carrianne’s life in many shapes and forms. That connection has led her exactly to where she stands today. Now, on the precipice of the discovery of who she truly is, standing tall in that newfound confidence and exuberance, sprinkling a little bit of her magic and charisma wherever life takes her.
Carrianne’s story begins in Orange County, though her roots trace back to New York, where both of her parents were from. She was just four years old when they divorced—an event that, while common on paper, marked the beginning of a quiet fracture that would echo throughout her life. “It’s strange how it’s such a trauma when it’s so common. I really feel like a storm hit our family.” Her father remarried, creating a home that, while stable on the surface, carried an undercurrent of confusion, emotional distance, and unspoken tension. All the while, her mother struggled with alcoholism.
A natural people-pleaser, Carrianne learned early how to adapt—how to be agreeable, how to be “good,” how to quietly fit into whatever space she occupied. As the middle child, she often felt overlooked, developing a deeply introspective inner world that became both her refuge and her reality. “I’ve always been really in my own world…in my head, in my feelings.” Within that world lived a constant pull toward something deeper—something spiritual, something meaningful, beyond what she could see.
That pull intensified as life introduced loss. At twenty, Carrianne became pregnant, and just two days after her son was born, he passed away. The grief was profound, destabilizing, and formative. “I just felt like whenever I would get close to something, it would get taken away from me every single time.” That belief—quiet but powerful—began to shape the way she moved through the world, reinforcing both her sensitivity and her instinct to escape.
At first, that escape looked expansive. Carrianne built a life filled with movement, travel, and experience—Spain, Morocco, Italy, Austria, Guatemala—crafting an identity that felt free, vibrant, and alive. “I thought, I’ll be the travel girl—and so that’s who I became.” But beneath that freedom was a growing disconnect. “It was almost like always wearing a mask, but not even knowing what I look like underneath.”
Throughout her twenties, spirituality—particularly Christianity—became a central thread in her life. She describes a powerful moment where she felt she had “met God,” an experience that shifted her trajectory and led her into seasons of study, mentorship, and intentional living. She immersed herself in Christian communities, discipleship programs, and even missionary-style environments, studying scripture, philosophy, and spiritual discipline. “I was really drawn to wisdom, to proverbs, to the deeper meaning in things.” For a time, it worked. She felt connected, purposeful, and guided.
But even within those spaces, addiction quietly followed. “I would find ways, I’d go out at night drinking, come back and lie, say it wasn’t a problem.” For years, she was able to maintain the illusion—functioning, working, appearing stable—while avoiding the deeper truth. “I never really thought I had an issue. I felt like it was everything else.”
That illusion eventually began to fracture. In her mid-twenties, she was introduced to methamphetamine. It didn’t take over immediately—but the door had been opened. Years later, during a period marked by grief, lack of purpose, and emotional instability, she made a conscious decision to return to it. “I remember thinking, I’m going to do it right this time, one line in the morning, one when I get home from work.” For a while, she maintained control—or at least the appearance of it—but internally, things were slowly unraveling.
Then came another devastating loss: her father’s death. That loss destabilized whatever balance remained, and her life began to shift into something darker—compulsive gambling, substance use, unstable relationships, and a growing detachment from reality. “I think I used it without even realizing it, as an excuse to just go deeper.”
In 2017, she entered a relationship that would accelerate that descent. “He was very mean, but he had this control over me. I felt like I was in prison.” The relationship was volatile, psychologically destabilizing, and deeply entangled with her addiction. It isolated her from her family, distorted her sense of reality, and kept her trapped in a cycle she couldn’t break. “I couldn’t tell reality from anything, I was getting sadder and sadder, more and more lost.”
And yet—even in the midst of that chaos—something in her continued to search.
Books became a quiet thread of guidance. While drifting through her addiction, Carrianne would ride her scooter through neighborhoods, stopping at the small “little libraries” scattered outside homes, pulling books as if they were messages meant just for her. “Books have always been a huge part of my life”. And in those moments—high, lost, searching—she began noticing something strange: Jewish texts, stories, fragments of something unfamiliar, but deeply resonant kept appearing.
This wasn’t entirely new. Years earlier, she had read My Name is Asher Lev, had spoken with a rabbi in Laguna Beach, and had felt an unexplained connection to Judaism. But now, it felt different—intentional, almost guided. She found herself reading mystical folktales online, drawn deeper into something she couldn’t fully explain. Eventually, that search led her to a treatment center—but they didn’t take women. Instead, they pointed her somewhere else: Beit T’Shuvah.
“I remember thinking, ‘How have I never heard of this place?’” She arrived. And she left. Twice. Although she didn’t stay, something stayed with her.
Because this time, when Carrianne returned, something shifted—not dramatically, not all at once, but enough to keep her here. If her life before Beit T’Shuvah was defined by escaping, her life within it has been defined by something entirely different: staying. “This time, it’s what I’ve been waiting for.”
Carrianne began engaging in real therapy for the first time in her life—deep, consistent, honest work. “I had all these chunks of time, all these feelings, but no understanding of who I was.” Through that process, she began connecting the dots, understanding the roots of her behaviors, her pain, and her patterns. “It’s been so eye-opening, [my therapist] really understood me, and helped me understand myself.”
Her spiritual life also transformed. Where her connection to God had once been deeply personal but isolated, it now became something more integrated, more grounded. One question in particular marked a turning point: “Where do you see the divine in you?” she recalls. “That question cracked me.” For the first time, she was asked to recognize something sacred within herself—not just beyond her. Carrianne began to participate more fully—in groups, in community, in recovery. “I had to realize I’m an addict, everything stems from that.” It was a shift from avoidance to acceptance, from performing to being.
And slowly, something began to change. “The more time passed, I started feeling better and better and better.” Her self-esteem began to rebuild. Her mind began to quiet. Her sense of identity began to take shape. “I’m starting to see myself as a different person…I’m changing.” She found purpose again—through work, through connection, through showing up for her life. “I’ve been so low for so long, the contrast is amazing.”
Perhaps most meaningful of all has been her reconnection with herself—especially the part of her that had been carrying so much for so long. “I feel like I’m finally giving her a break,” she says softly, speaking of her inner child.
After three months of consistently showing up as a PF intern, Carrianne was officially hired this week. A moment that, for her, symbolized something much deeper than a job—it was recognition, stability, and proof of change. For so long, her life had been defined by cycles—starting, stopping, losing, rebuilding. Now, there is consistency. There is accountability. There is a purpose. She is no longer just passing through spaces—she is contributing to them.
Carrianne has been searching for something most of her life, and what’s been consistent has been loss. Her power taken. But today she has developed boundaries, she holds that strength, that magic, that spirit—and has been given a chance at a fresh start. While she does not deny there is fear in the unknown aspects of her future, she is now surrounded by a thriving community. Enmeshed in a healthy relationship with God and her spirituality, change and evolution are what she aspires to now—and the road ahead seems paved in renewed clarity, inspiration, and adventure…and it all starts here.